It's been over a month since I have blogged and there is no real excuse...actually I guess there is.
So as of two weeks ago, per my doctors orders, I am now out of work. There are many reasons why and I ignored all of the signs pointing to slow down but chose to ignore them. Instead of being resentful, I am blessing all of the instances that have brought me to this point.
I am slowing down and learning to take care of ME. This is a first. Ever.
If you followed my last blog, even when I was laid off, I was THE busiest unemployed person ever. Now? I have to not stay busy. I got some books and some movies that help me go inward before this little girl comes along.
With all of this, I looked into my endometriosis and all of the statistics that go along with this. The risk of conceiving at all is significantly lower, the pain, and everything else...still amazes me that we are carrying a healthy baby.
We have a big appointment next Monday with our MFM (great way to spend our anniversary, right?). We are going to see how it is progressing. I have read a lot about the chances of preterm labor associated with this disease.
I have chosen to Let Go and Let God. I have to remind myself hourly of that. It does not come easily. Rome wasn't built in a day I have learned.
This is like Sterling's recovery...slow and steady....
cover
Monday, 2 December 2013
Friday, 1 November 2013
November 2
Dear Harper,
I am sorry I have not written you in quite some time. Things have been a little hectic for me these days! Some wonderful things and a few curve balls. About 2 weeks ago, your daddy asked me to be his wife. I was completely shocked. It was at our Christmas card photoshoot and I had no idea. Needless to say, there has been a lot of excitement around that. I know we did not go about getting married and having you in the "traditional" way, but something you will learn early in your life is that we don't do many things in the traditional way (it can drive grandmom and pop pop NUTS!). There is no right or wrong way to go about life and I hope I am able to teach you that. Everyone is different and it would be silly for all of us to conform to one way. How boring would that be? During all of this excitement, we found out that your big doggy sister, Sterling, needs surgery on her right leg. We hope that gives her a more comfortable life and gives her a bit more mobility. We love her so much and it is because of her that I will be a better mother. She has been one of my greatest teachers. My wish is that you will get to meet her and spend time with her. She is quite a special creature that God gave me. There has never been a more loving, gentle, caring dog.
So, I know so far you have flown to Boston (twice!), Nags Head, Washington DC, Virginia, and Florida. You have also been to two Broadway plays (Wicked and Rock of Ages but we didn't know you were with us at Rock of Ages!). So to add to your list of prenatal excitement is your first 5K. That's right, your crazy mom is doing a 5K. It's not just any 5K; it is for your Mom Mom. Tomorrow is her birthday and the race is the following day. We will be doing this every year to celebrate your Mom Mom...the woman you are named after. I can tell you this with 100% certainty, she loves you SO SO much. She wanted you as much as your daddy and me. You are a very lucky little girl who has a guardian angel watching over you. She has been with you from the moment your soul met your body. She had such bravery and love. Daddy is always available if you have any questions about her and she is always a part of everything we do as you will know. This weekend is for her and our way of having you connect with her in this way. Let's now hope I can make it through this race in one piece, ok? I have had the flu and feeling much better thankfully!
We heard your heartbeat on Tuesday again and it's steady at the 160. You were called a big girl at our appointment. I have never been called a big girl in my life! I can't wait to see what you look like. I think I will talk Daddy into doing a 3D ultrasound next month to see your little face. I am so curious of who you look like. I'm having some wicked heartburn so I am wondering if you will be born with a lot of thick hair like your cousin Kevin.
We love you more and more each day....
Love,
Mommy
I am sorry I have not written you in quite some time. Things have been a little hectic for me these days! Some wonderful things and a few curve balls. About 2 weeks ago, your daddy asked me to be his wife. I was completely shocked. It was at our Christmas card photoshoot and I had no idea. Needless to say, there has been a lot of excitement around that. I know we did not go about getting married and having you in the "traditional" way, but something you will learn early in your life is that we don't do many things in the traditional way (it can drive grandmom and pop pop NUTS!). There is no right or wrong way to go about life and I hope I am able to teach you that. Everyone is different and it would be silly for all of us to conform to one way. How boring would that be? During all of this excitement, we found out that your big doggy sister, Sterling, needs surgery on her right leg. We hope that gives her a more comfortable life and gives her a bit more mobility. We love her so much and it is because of her that I will be a better mother. She has been one of my greatest teachers. My wish is that you will get to meet her and spend time with her. She is quite a special creature that God gave me. There has never been a more loving, gentle, caring dog.
So, I know so far you have flown to Boston (twice!), Nags Head, Washington DC, Virginia, and Florida. You have also been to two Broadway plays (Wicked and Rock of Ages but we didn't know you were with us at Rock of Ages!). So to add to your list of prenatal excitement is your first 5K. That's right, your crazy mom is doing a 5K. It's not just any 5K; it is for your Mom Mom. Tomorrow is her birthday and the race is the following day. We will be doing this every year to celebrate your Mom Mom...the woman you are named after. I can tell you this with 100% certainty, she loves you SO SO much. She wanted you as much as your daddy and me. You are a very lucky little girl who has a guardian angel watching over you. She has been with you from the moment your soul met your body. She had such bravery and love. Daddy is always available if you have any questions about her and she is always a part of everything we do as you will know. This weekend is for her and our way of having you connect with her in this way. Let's now hope I can make it through this race in one piece, ok? I have had the flu and feeling much better thankfully!
We heard your heartbeat on Tuesday again and it's steady at the 160. You were called a big girl at our appointment. I have never been called a big girl in my life! I can't wait to see what you look like. I think I will talk Daddy into doing a 3D ultrasound next month to see your little face. I am so curious of who you look like. I'm having some wicked heartburn so I am wondering if you will be born with a lot of thick hair like your cousin Kevin.
We love you more and more each day....
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Best Day of My Life
In my wildest dreams, did I imagine that my dreams would actually come true.
On October 4, 2013 I found out I will be a mother to a precious daughter.
I never thought I would be able to write those words. Ever. I was blessed with finding Dan and now with a daughter, it really has been a dream come true.
I worked that day after waking up at 5am and running errands at the crack of dawn. I totally got myself busy with work before I left for the appointment at 2pm. I was a nervous wreck. I have never been that nervous in my entire life. The tech was not very friendly to say the least. She started going through the anatomy of the baby to make sure everything looked good. We told her that I didn't want to know the gender but Dan was going to find out and surprise me. She found the gender very quickly. I was convinced the fact she found it so quickly that it was a boy. She is developing nicely and right on track. The tech spent a lot of time doing an internal ultrasound on me...a lot of time on my right ovary. She asked if I had assistance with getting pregnant and kept poking and asking questions. The doctor was reviewing the baby and me and was going to come in. The tech really wasn't warm and friendly by any means so I was a little nervous. When she left I told Dan I wanted to go. When our AMAZING doctor came in, I took one look at her and KNEW everything was going to be ok. She is the head of maternal fetal medicine at the top hospital. She said, "your baby looks great...long legs" She took a look at Dan and said, "and I can see you are the father obviously". She then told me about a cyst on my ovary that was pretty sizable and how she was surprised that I didn't have any pain. They did another internal and by this point things were getting uncomfortable and annoying. It didn't seem cause for worry but definitely needs to be monitored. It is an endo cyst. My mom has endo and this wasn't really that much of a surprise. The big surprise is that she was shocked that I got pregnant so easily. This baby really wanted to be here. I have a follow up appointment in December to make sure it doesn't grow. After the baby is born, I will have to get it surgically removed through laproscopic surgery which while stinks, I can get more maternity leave out of it thankfully. If I end up with a c-section, they will do it right then and there. The doctor had me turn away and look at the gender again. Everything looked good and we got the appointment set up. I left the office in tears. No one plans for that sort of news. Dan kept reminding me that she was healthy but I just didn't want her in an unsafe environment. He also said that we have the baby we wanted and if we can't have anymore that is ok. I headed to the bathroom and I remember looking in the mirror thinking that if it is a boy, then that is what God had in store for me and need to rest in that. I didn't realize how badly I wanted a daughter until that moment. We walked out into the parking garage and Dan tells me that he knows what it is and if I wanted to wait to get to the park or find out right then and there.
The plan was he is to give me a boy or girl gift to let me know what it was. He said one gender didn't come in yet so he knew right away that would be the one it was! He was right. I said I wanted to know then.
I put my things in the car and walked over to his car and he handed me the envelope where the tech had a picture of the gender with the word on there.
I will never forget how I felt opening the envelope.
When I saw the first letter "G" I can't describe the emotion and feelings I had.
It was truly overwhelming and just full of appreciation. I hugged Dan and cried and cried and said "I get to give you a daughter". I was shaking and crying.
We decided to keep it to ourselves for the day/night over a wonderful dinner at our favorite restaurant in the city...Alma de Cuba.
I was still sore from all the poking around but dinner was so nice. We used to do things like that often but since we got the house it's been few and far between.
Dan had run to his office to pick up the gift which was an American Girl doll and a Lilly Pulitzer dress.
She is already so spoiled and loved.
Telling our parents was awesome and telling our friends was awesome too!
Here is how we announced to the world about our little girl!
We love you Harper Linda!!!
http://vimeo.com/76239321
On October 4, 2013 I found out I will be a mother to a precious daughter.
I never thought I would be able to write those words. Ever. I was blessed with finding Dan and now with a daughter, it really has been a dream come true.
I worked that day after waking up at 5am and running errands at the crack of dawn. I totally got myself busy with work before I left for the appointment at 2pm. I was a nervous wreck. I have never been that nervous in my entire life. The tech was not very friendly to say the least. She started going through the anatomy of the baby to make sure everything looked good. We told her that I didn't want to know the gender but Dan was going to find out and surprise me. She found the gender very quickly. I was convinced the fact she found it so quickly that it was a boy. She is developing nicely and right on track. The tech spent a lot of time doing an internal ultrasound on me...a lot of time on my right ovary. She asked if I had assistance with getting pregnant and kept poking and asking questions. The doctor was reviewing the baby and me and was going to come in. The tech really wasn't warm and friendly by any means so I was a little nervous. When she left I told Dan I wanted to go. When our AMAZING doctor came in, I took one look at her and KNEW everything was going to be ok. She is the head of maternal fetal medicine at the top hospital. She said, "your baby looks great...long legs" She took a look at Dan and said, "and I can see you are the father obviously". She then told me about a cyst on my ovary that was pretty sizable and how she was surprised that I didn't have any pain. They did another internal and by this point things were getting uncomfortable and annoying. It didn't seem cause for worry but definitely needs to be monitored. It is an endo cyst. My mom has endo and this wasn't really that much of a surprise. The big surprise is that she was shocked that I got pregnant so easily. This baby really wanted to be here. I have a follow up appointment in December to make sure it doesn't grow. After the baby is born, I will have to get it surgically removed through laproscopic surgery which while stinks, I can get more maternity leave out of it thankfully. If I end up with a c-section, they will do it right then and there. The doctor had me turn away and look at the gender again. Everything looked good and we got the appointment set up. I left the office in tears. No one plans for that sort of news. Dan kept reminding me that she was healthy but I just didn't want her in an unsafe environment. He also said that we have the baby we wanted and if we can't have anymore that is ok. I headed to the bathroom and I remember looking in the mirror thinking that if it is a boy, then that is what God had in store for me and need to rest in that. I didn't realize how badly I wanted a daughter until that moment. We walked out into the parking garage and Dan tells me that he knows what it is and if I wanted to wait to get to the park or find out right then and there.
The plan was he is to give me a boy or girl gift to let me know what it was. He said one gender didn't come in yet so he knew right away that would be the one it was! He was right. I said I wanted to know then.
I put my things in the car and walked over to his car and he handed me the envelope where the tech had a picture of the gender with the word on there.
I will never forget how I felt opening the envelope.
When I saw the first letter "G" I can't describe the emotion and feelings I had.
It was truly overwhelming and just full of appreciation. I hugged Dan and cried and cried and said "I get to give you a daughter". I was shaking and crying.
We decided to keep it to ourselves for the day/night over a wonderful dinner at our favorite restaurant in the city...Alma de Cuba.
I was still sore from all the poking around but dinner was so nice. We used to do things like that often but since we got the house it's been few and far between.
Dan had run to his office to pick up the gift which was an American Girl doll and a Lilly Pulitzer dress.
She is already so spoiled and loved.
Telling our parents was awesome and telling our friends was awesome too!
Here is how we announced to the world about our little girl!
We love you Harper Linda!!!
http://vimeo.com/76239321
Friday, 4 October 2013
Today is The Day I've Been Waiting for All My Life
As a little girl, I always knew I was supposed to be a mom. It was never a question. I remember looking through the JC Penney and Sears Christmas catalogs when I was as young as 6 and not only looking at the toy section, but the baby section. I would love seeing the new bedding and the new car seats and strollers.
After Christmas I would cut the things I liked from the baby catalog and paste on construction paper as sort of my "visualization" book. (I was very in tune as a child...LOL)
For the past several years, I have watched as each of my best friends brought their new babies into the world and have loved each and every one of them. I remember where I was when each one of my girlfriends announced the gender of each of their babies. I have been in interviews, getting out of the car, on a shuttle on a way to a wedding, anxiously sitting at my desk at home waiting for the phone to ring, you name it, I remember when each of my little loves was announced to me.
Now it is my turn.
Even writing that brings tears to my eyes.
I have, by far, THE best friends in the world. Not only is our family beside themselves with excitement and joy over this baby, but my friends are over the top excited. I often wondered if they would be as excited I was for their babies and the answer is a resounding yes.
Not only good things come to those who wait, but the BEST things come to those who wait.
Today we find out whether I have a son or a daughter. I honestly do not have a preference. I am looking forward to see what God has in store for our family. I do have a feeling about one gender but it is not a preference.
I am looking forward to hearing that we have a healthy child. Nothing else matters to us. My next post will be about today! I already feel so blessed.
After Christmas I would cut the things I liked from the baby catalog and paste on construction paper as sort of my "visualization" book. (I was very in tune as a child...LOL)
For the past several years, I have watched as each of my best friends brought their new babies into the world and have loved each and every one of them. I remember where I was when each one of my girlfriends announced the gender of each of their babies. I have been in interviews, getting out of the car, on a shuttle on a way to a wedding, anxiously sitting at my desk at home waiting for the phone to ring, you name it, I remember when each of my little loves was announced to me.
Now it is my turn.
Even writing that brings tears to my eyes.
I have, by far, THE best friends in the world. Not only is our family beside themselves with excitement and joy over this baby, but my friends are over the top excited. I often wondered if they would be as excited I was for their babies and the answer is a resounding yes.
Not only good things come to those who wait, but the BEST things come to those who wait.
Today we find out whether I have a son or a daughter. I honestly do not have a preference. I am looking forward to see what God has in store for our family. I do have a feeling about one gender but it is not a preference.
I am looking forward to hearing that we have a healthy child. Nothing else matters to us. My next post will be about today! I already feel so blessed.
Monday, 30 September 2013
The Waiting Game
Dear Baby,
I am sorry I have not posted in a while. Things at home have been so crazy busy lately and I know there is no excuse. Much of the "busy-ness" is because of you. We got your nursery furniture and we are waiting to bring it home until November. We have had two weddings, parties, Lionel Richie concert and now a work trip and vacation.
I started feeling you move a lot more and Daddy has felt you move as well. I am getting bigger and bigger (I will be doing a post soon with just pictures so you can see how big I am getting). I've gained about 10 pounds so far and everything looks good.
Today I had an appointment and your heartbeat is 160 bpm which is super fast. Also, Michelle, our midwife, kept saying how active you are! All I could hear is the wooshing and wooshing which is you moving all over the place.
I am thankful that I am leaving for Boston tomorrow for meetings.
Friday we find out if you are a girl or a boy. I am BEYOND EXCITED. It's like Christmas but much more exciting.
Your dad is going to find out first and then meet me at a park in center city before dinner and give me a gift that is either boy or girl.
I TRULY do not have a preference. I am just wanting you to be healthy and happy. I do have a feeling of you gender, but going to keep it to myself.
No matter what your gender we love you so much!
I am sorry I have not posted in a while. Things at home have been so crazy busy lately and I know there is no excuse. Much of the "busy-ness" is because of you. We got your nursery furniture and we are waiting to bring it home until November. We have had two weddings, parties, Lionel Richie concert and now a work trip and vacation.
I started feeling you move a lot more and Daddy has felt you move as well. I am getting bigger and bigger (I will be doing a post soon with just pictures so you can see how big I am getting). I've gained about 10 pounds so far and everything looks good.
Today I had an appointment and your heartbeat is 160 bpm which is super fast. Also, Michelle, our midwife, kept saying how active you are! All I could hear is the wooshing and wooshing which is you moving all over the place.
I am thankful that I am leaving for Boston tomorrow for meetings.
Friday we find out if you are a girl or a boy. I am BEYOND EXCITED. It's like Christmas but much more exciting.
Your dad is going to find out first and then meet me at a park in center city before dinner and give me a gift that is either boy or girl.
I TRULY do not have a preference. I am just wanting you to be healthy and happy. I do have a feeling of you gender, but going to keep it to myself.
No matter what your gender we love you so much!
Thursday, 12 September 2013
My Body
They tell me that I will "get your old body back in no time".
They say "you will be back in your clothes in no time".
The truth is, my body will never be the same. It is not supposed to be.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Whether I am able to fit back in my size 0 dress or not, I am forever changed.
My body has been given the ultimate blessing; a privilege, not a right.
This body is now yours to grow and develop.
Everything inside has accommodated for you. Arguably it has been waiting a long time for you.
My heart now pumps blood for both of us.
I do everything with you in mind now.
I look each day as my body is changing, stretching, and growing.
Not a single day has gone by where I do not tear up with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude.
I am not sure what I did to be blessed like this.
Nothing in my life has been as perfect as you.
I have never loved someone so much before that I have never met.
You are the love of my life.
You always have been.
You always will be.
They say "you will be back in your clothes in no time".
The truth is, my body will never be the same. It is not supposed to be.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Whether I am able to fit back in my size 0 dress or not, I am forever changed.
My body has been given the ultimate blessing; a privilege, not a right.
This body is now yours to grow and develop.
Everything inside has accommodated for you. Arguably it has been waiting a long time for you.
My heart now pumps blood for both of us.
I do everything with you in mind now.
I look each day as my body is changing, stretching, and growing.
Not a single day has gone by where I do not tear up with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude.
I am not sure what I did to be blessed like this.
Nothing in my life has been as perfect as you.
I have never loved someone so much before that I have never met.
You are the love of my life.
You always have been.
You always will be.
Monday, 26 August 2013
Letter to my little lemon
This week you are the size of a lemon! I disagree with your dad that a lemon is actually bigger than a peach. :)
This weekend we got the Mainline Today magazine and looked at all of the great schools in the area. Can you believe that we are starting to plan for your education already? We are writing down what is important to us in education for you. We want you to grow in an environment that has you grow into your own person and fosters curiosity and learning at your own pace. We want diversity and for you to be challenged without being pushed.
Today I spoke to the Director of Admissions at one of the top private schools in the area. She was wonderful and we are going to meet for coffee next month. Dad thinks I am nuts. This is for the girls school, so if in fact you are a boy, we will have to shelf this. :)
I have to say, talking about your education makes me so happy. I can't wait for you to grow and learn. That is the best part of being a parent...watching you grow. Nothing is more important than you happiness to me. We were with your grandparents on Saturday night talking about the school choices we are making for you. Your Pop Pop and I love talking about education...we left at 11:30pm! Dad and grandmom are a little more laid back about it.
I just want you to know that even though you are so tiny right now, you are so loved and I can't wait to show you this incredible world and watch you learn and explore. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn't love you more. The world is already a better place because of you.
All my love,
Mommy
This weekend we got the Mainline Today magazine and looked at all of the great schools in the area. Can you believe that we are starting to plan for your education already? We are writing down what is important to us in education for you. We want you to grow in an environment that has you grow into your own person and fosters curiosity and learning at your own pace. We want diversity and for you to be challenged without being pushed.
Today I spoke to the Director of Admissions at one of the top private schools in the area. She was wonderful and we are going to meet for coffee next month. Dad thinks I am nuts. This is for the girls school, so if in fact you are a boy, we will have to shelf this. :)
I have to say, talking about your education makes me so happy. I can't wait for you to grow and learn. That is the best part of being a parent...watching you grow. Nothing is more important than you happiness to me. We were with your grandparents on Saturday night talking about the school choices we are making for you. Your Pop Pop and I love talking about education...we left at 11:30pm! Dad and grandmom are a little more laid back about it.
I just want you to know that even though you are so tiny right now, you are so loved and I can't wait to show you this incredible world and watch you learn and explore. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn't love you more. The world is already a better place because of you.
All my love,
Mommy
Thursday, 22 August 2013
First Blog Letter to My Baby
My little Peach,
This week you measure the size of a peach. It's incredible since it seems that you were just the size of a poppyseed not that long ago. You are 12 weeks and 5 days old now. It seems you are pretty comfortable inside mommy. I have only had minor cramping and no bleeding. The bleeding would have freaked me out for sure in the early weeks.
We got to see you last Friday. We were not expecting to see you for several more weeks but our wonderful midwife thought it would be best to check you out on the screen and see your heartbeat and hear it as well. Daddy wasn't even going to go to the appointment but it was the first time we were to hear you, so he did. Honestly, I doubt he will miss any of them after the last one. They had the screen towards Michelle and dad so I couldn't see you, just dad's face. I can't explain it, but he totally fell in love with you that day. You had your hands by your head and covered it like saying, "Already with the pictures, geez!" We saw you move and stretch and dance around (clearly you have better moves than either of us...you must take after some long lost cuban relative). Your heartbeat was 150 which was nice and good. We are already so proud of how much you have grown...moving right along.
I am doing the best I can to be without stress over the next few months. It has been hard with some drama with your big doggie sister Sterling needing some extra TLC and work stresses me out from time to time. Each night though, I make sure that we have some you and me time before I go to sleep. We listen to music and I just relax. I hope this gets you in a good nighttime routine too!
We announced that you are coming to the world this weekend. Everyone is so thrilled. You are so very loved by so many people, you have no idea. Lots of people are saying what a lucky baby you are (you may read this one day and roll your eyes, I get it) but honestly, daddy and me are the lucky ones. We are beyond honored that you chose us to be your parents. We will do the best we can. We have already started planning for your future but take it each day at a time. What I can promise you is that we will do our very best to make sure that we nurture YOU, and not what we want you to be. My only wishes for you is that you learn to be compassionate, give of yourself, love with all you have, and listen to your heart, not your head. Everything else will follow. I can't tell you that disappointment and suffering will not exist, but it shapes who you are and will serve you in life. I'd like you to have a fun life filled with laughter and surround yourself with those who love you as much as you love them. You have a wonderful support team around you to help you achieve whatever you want to achieve. Material things come and go, it's what's inside that counts.
I have a binder full of letters that I started writing you since 2004! Can you believe it?
Know you have been wanted and wished for, for so very long. You are the best thing that has ever happened to your father and me. You have cracked open a part of our hearts we didn't know was closed.
All My Love,
Mommy
This week you measure the size of a peach. It's incredible since it seems that you were just the size of a poppyseed not that long ago. You are 12 weeks and 5 days old now. It seems you are pretty comfortable inside mommy. I have only had minor cramping and no bleeding. The bleeding would have freaked me out for sure in the early weeks.
We got to see you last Friday. We were not expecting to see you for several more weeks but our wonderful midwife thought it would be best to check you out on the screen and see your heartbeat and hear it as well. Daddy wasn't even going to go to the appointment but it was the first time we were to hear you, so he did. Honestly, I doubt he will miss any of them after the last one. They had the screen towards Michelle and dad so I couldn't see you, just dad's face. I can't explain it, but he totally fell in love with you that day. You had your hands by your head and covered it like saying, "Already with the pictures, geez!" We saw you move and stretch and dance around (clearly you have better moves than either of us...you must take after some long lost cuban relative). Your heartbeat was 150 which was nice and good. We are already so proud of how much you have grown...moving right along.
I am doing the best I can to be without stress over the next few months. It has been hard with some drama with your big doggie sister Sterling needing some extra TLC and work stresses me out from time to time. Each night though, I make sure that we have some you and me time before I go to sleep. We listen to music and I just relax. I hope this gets you in a good nighttime routine too!
We announced that you are coming to the world this weekend. Everyone is so thrilled. You are so very loved by so many people, you have no idea. Lots of people are saying what a lucky baby you are (you may read this one day and roll your eyes, I get it) but honestly, daddy and me are the lucky ones. We are beyond honored that you chose us to be your parents. We will do the best we can. We have already started planning for your future but take it each day at a time. What I can promise you is that we will do our very best to make sure that we nurture YOU, and not what we want you to be. My only wishes for you is that you learn to be compassionate, give of yourself, love with all you have, and listen to your heart, not your head. Everything else will follow. I can't tell you that disappointment and suffering will not exist, but it shapes who you are and will serve you in life. I'd like you to have a fun life filled with laughter and surround yourself with those who love you as much as you love them. You have a wonderful support team around you to help you achieve whatever you want to achieve. Material things come and go, it's what's inside that counts.
I have a binder full of letters that I started writing you since 2004! Can you believe it?
Know you have been wanted and wished for, for so very long. You are the best thing that has ever happened to your father and me. You have cracked open a part of our hearts we didn't know was closed.
All My Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Things They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy...Part 1
I am 34 and will be 35 when we deliver our baby. I am one of the last of my girlfriends to go through pregnancy so I am fortunate to have had hear them talk about it over the years but still there has been so much I have learned over the past 13 weeks and I am SURE there will be A LOT MORE.
- People ask THE most private questions after you announce your pregnancy. Only a handful of people (my parents age more than anyone) have asked if we are going to get married. The BIGGEST question both me and Dan get is: Were you trying? I am not kidding you. Or the variation of that: Was this planned? Here's my beef with this question...among the complete rudeness of it all, HOW is that your business of what goes on with the private relationship of me and Dan? At first we sort of went with it and stumbled upon our answer...not because we were not confident, but because the question, I feel is so appalling and private. I am not sure the answer people are looking for, and honestly it is NEVER from our friends. It was always from acquaintances, isn't that strange? I remember on the beach in Nags Head, I met one of Dan's high school girl friends and within 15 minutes she asked if we were trying. I decided right after that, that was the LAST time I answer that question. Since then we have gotten it a few times and my answer is now, "that is a very private question between Dan and me". That typically shuts people down. I had one friend ask me and I said that, and she stumbled and said, but we are friends and share that stuff and I simply said AGAIN, that's between Dan and me and to please respect that. GEEZ!
- Constipation. Yeah, I said it. It's real and AWFUL. Thankfully it comes and goes. The trick are baby wipes and lots of water and some prayer.
- It's nothing like the movies. I think television/media sets you up for the "extremes". I am fortunate that I have only thrown up a handful of times...but I also have an autoimmune so not sure how out of the ordinary it is for me to toss my cookies at least once a month. I had the "sickies" around 4-5 each night. Some nights were worse than others and about once I week I felt like poo for most of the day. You just need to find out what works for you. And let me tell you, it's probably not what worked for your mom or your best friend. My midwife suggested a half of a Unisom tab and B6 vitamin. PTL! That worked well and I had zofran for those days where nothing helped...it worked but please see the above bullet...that was the side effect. So I had to weigh my options...nausea or constipation. And 9 times out of 10, I chose the constipation.
- Speaking of the movies. Early on I started sobbing at Cheerios commercials, documentaries, you name it. I lost it reading a book in Barnes and Noble one night where a manager had to come up to me asking if I needed medical attention. Your emotions are ALL over the place. Forget about listening to music! I had to pull over one day when Bette Midler's From a Distance came on the radio since I was crying so hard. Now that I am almost in my second trimester, it's evened out a little...but saw a YouTube video last night and cried my eyes out.
- The love isn't always instant. When I went to our first ultrasound, I think Dan and I went into thinking that we would be in tears falling in love with our child. When we saw it on the screen, it was more of relief. We saw the heartbeat, the arms, feet and everything else, but it made it so real and truly overwhelming. We left the appointment and talked in the elevator and made some big decisions regarding extra testing and decided rather quickly we were not doing extra testing, etc. Whatever God has given us, is what we are meant to have and we can handle. When I went back home to my office and he went to work we connected online and both of us thought we would feel differently than we did. We just felt a sense of responsibility and relief. We felt guilty we were not "in love" yet. Little did we know that it would come in a few weeks, no doubt but I learned that everyone feels differently and that's perfectly fine.
- Your body is not your own anymore. I lived a pretty healthy lifestyle. I ran daily; I ate gluten free, processed free, organic food. I fell off the wagon so to speak. Fried chicken, BREAD!, McDonalds breakfast sandwiches, CHEEZ WIZ, hoagies, hot dogs...off the WAGON BIG TIME. Safe to say, I am back on the wagon eating mostly gf and eating fruit and "trying" to eat vegetables. I have loved lemonade, lemons, lemon water ice, but HATE my typical grapefruit. So weird.
- Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up if you want to go to bed at 8pm (or 7). If you NEED tater tots with cheez wiz (purely hypothetical :)) have some in moderation. Listen to your body. You are making a child and it's not in your head. You are making brain cells, feet, arms, organs...It's a big freaking process!
- STAY HYDRATED. Drink a lot of water. It helps with sickness and constipation.
- Listen to all advice but then take what you want from it all. I have gotten both solicited and unsolicited advice. Some of it very helpful and some I am letting by the wayside. As everybody is different, pregnancy in each woman is different too.
- Mommy wars do exist and to be honest there are no bad moms (I mean, with the exception of abusive mommies!). As my oldest friend, Lauren, said...buckle up. I am very quick to not judge moms anymore. I think we all are doing our best. Just because a mom is a stay at home mom, doesn't make her a better mom than one who works outside the home. Just because one mom formula feeds, doesn't make her a worse mom than a breastfeeding one. We are all doing our best. Period. End of story. I think if I would have had a baby in my 20s I would be so caught up in it, but now I will be an "older" mom, I don't have time for that kind of competition.
- Men take longer to connect that women. I keep hearing how men don't really feel like dads until the day they meet their baby. I was fortunate that last week, Dan really started to connect so the day of the birth I think will take it to the next level.
Monday, 19 August 2013
Mommy Post 3
I am trying to be a better Mommy blogger. I need to make this a priority each day.
I'd like to make it a priority for sure.
I'm almost out of my first trimester and things are a bit snug these days which is so rare for me...usually 4'11 and 110 pounds of me.
Friday we had our midwife appointment. I was THRILLED to see our midwife and for Dan to meet her. They hit it off right away making jokes and everything. Dan was so much more at ease this time around. I can't say enough great things about the practice. We are so lucky.
We sat and talked and told her I have been eating gluten and not healthy things as much as I should. Dan is no longer buying me Cheez Wiz or any sort of crap. I "fell off the wagon". I am back on it thankfully and feel good about it.
After some conversation, we decided to do a ultrasound instead of the doppler in case she couldn't get a good reading of the baby and have be lose my mind.
I was laying on the table and Dan and my midwife could see the screen and I could not, just Dan's face. I wish I had my camera. I will never ever forget his face when he saw the baby on the screen. It was pure happiness and love mixed with pride. This little one, the size of a peach, has truly wiggled their way into our hearts already. They FINALLY turned the screen to show me and I was completely in utter shock and massively in love with our little baby. It already is a crazy love I have. I have been holding my breath for weeks and when I saw him/her dancing and wiggling and moving and hands by their face I was in awe. If I doubted in God, this would have changed my mind in that moment. How else could you explain the creation of a human being?
We put it on facebook last night and the outpouring of love is remarkable. People keep saying how this is a lucky baby to have us. Contrary to what they think, Dan and I are the lucky ones...this baby is nowhere as lucky as we are.
I think up until the appointment on Friday I was almost afraid to connect (this is me being brutally honest). That if something happened I wouldn't be as attached. It sounds silly, but it's how I felt. The wall began to chip away on a flight home from Boston last week and then on Friday it came crashing down when I looked at Dan as he looked at his child...really looked at his baby for the first time. I fell in love with him even more than I already was. I can't even imagine when I see him hold our baby.
We are still living our lives day to day to the fullest. We hit a little road block with our girl Sterling on Saturday. It turns out she has very mild neurological disease in her spine. I took the news hard but she will receive rehab therapy and she is on Neurotin. Last night I had a very vivid about Dan's mother telling me she is watching over all of us and to please, please not worry about Sterling and the baby. She is guarding all of us. I woke up with such peace and calm. Today at work has been light and pleasant...no drama or urgency. I caught up with three of my best friends which feeds my soul.
I will leave you with a picture of our very active child. They would not stop moving to get an accurate heartbeat for a while!
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I'd like to make it a priority for sure.
I'm almost out of my first trimester and things are a bit snug these days which is so rare for me...usually 4'11 and 110 pounds of me.
Friday we had our midwife appointment. I was THRILLED to see our midwife and for Dan to meet her. They hit it off right away making jokes and everything. Dan was so much more at ease this time around. I can't say enough great things about the practice. We are so lucky.
We sat and talked and told her I have been eating gluten and not healthy things as much as I should. Dan is no longer buying me Cheez Wiz or any sort of crap. I "fell off the wagon". I am back on it thankfully and feel good about it.
After some conversation, we decided to do a ultrasound instead of the doppler in case she couldn't get a good reading of the baby and have be lose my mind.
I was laying on the table and Dan and my midwife could see the screen and I could not, just Dan's face. I wish I had my camera. I will never ever forget his face when he saw the baby on the screen. It was pure happiness and love mixed with pride. This little one, the size of a peach, has truly wiggled their way into our hearts already. They FINALLY turned the screen to show me and I was completely in utter shock and massively in love with our little baby. It already is a crazy love I have. I have been holding my breath for weeks and when I saw him/her dancing and wiggling and moving and hands by their face I was in awe. If I doubted in God, this would have changed my mind in that moment. How else could you explain the creation of a human being?
We put it on facebook last night and the outpouring of love is remarkable. People keep saying how this is a lucky baby to have us. Contrary to what they think, Dan and I are the lucky ones...this baby is nowhere as lucky as we are.
I think up until the appointment on Friday I was almost afraid to connect (this is me being brutally honest). That if something happened I wouldn't be as attached. It sounds silly, but it's how I felt. The wall began to chip away on a flight home from Boston last week and then on Friday it came crashing down when I looked at Dan as he looked at his child...really looked at his baby for the first time. I fell in love with him even more than I already was. I can't even imagine when I see him hold our baby.
We are still living our lives day to day to the fullest. We hit a little road block with our girl Sterling on Saturday. It turns out she has very mild neurological disease in her spine. I took the news hard but she will receive rehab therapy and she is on Neurotin. Last night I had a very vivid about Dan's mother telling me she is watching over all of us and to please, please not worry about Sterling and the baby. She is guarding all of us. I woke up with such peace and calm. Today at work has been light and pleasant...no drama or urgency. I caught up with three of my best friends which feeds my soul.
I will leave you with a picture of our very active child. They would not stop moving to get an accurate heartbeat for a while!
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Mommy Post 2
It has been quite some time since I have written. We had our first ultrasound and then went on our vacation to Nags Head and three days later I headed to Boston for work. So many times I have wanted to blog, but never had the chance or rather, I need to take the time to blog here, as I don't want to forget this special time.
On July 24th, we had our very first ultrasound and saw our little baby, so very clear. I was a nervous wreck. for some reason I was convinced that I was having twins and it was an etopic pregnancy. I had no idea why I had it in my head but I was CONVINCED. Dan met me at the building and I think we both were a little nervous. The good news is that I didn't have to get blood work that day (two weeks later though...) and the bad news is that my midwife was sick (the nerve of her! LOL). While in the waiting room we pulled up her profile online and she seemed ok.
The called us back and they did my vitals and then brought us in the doctor's office for questions. It was right then and there I noticed a huge difference in a doctor and a midwife. Let me state how much I adore my midwife. I LOVE her. On my annual checkup, she was with me for an HOUR and at the largest hospital in the city (the number 1) I was not expecting that treatment whatsoever. She is amazing and we have such similar philosophies. When she went to examine me, I was beyond relaxed and comfortable with her, it was ridiculous. She was like an old friend.
This doctor, while smart, wasn't really in sync with Dan and I and our philosophy. She also didn't pick up the fact I was a nervous wreck and this was our first child. We answered a TON of questions and then Dan and I went to yet another room for the exam. I seriously was shaking like a leaf. She does the internal and I was so tense. She then was ready for the ultrasound and I think I just shut my eyes ready to hear the bad news. I then heard her say (in a not so loving way, mind you...), "Well, there it is."
She then turned the screen to Dan and I (who had the camera phone open and was snapping away) and we saw a VERY clear picture of our baby. It took my breath away. We saw the head, body, feet, legs, arms, hands, and a very very rapid heartbeat. I kept asking if it was just one and if it was where it was supposed to be. I think I asked so much that the nurse was like, "Did you WANT twins?" Dan and I said in unison, "NO!"
She snapped some pictures while saying how her roommate in college had 8 kids and she's like, "who knows why people want that many kids...". All the while snapping picture of MY child. Thanks, doc. How about if you stick with hystorectomies. The ONE compliment she gave me was that it is very rare that she sees an ultrasound as clear as ours. She cannot remember the last time she saw one that clear. Coming from her, it was the equivilent to her saying our child is destined for greatness of some sort.
We left the room and made our follow-up appointment and when they asked with who we both said the name of our midwife. We arranged it so that we see her this Friday before she goes on a weeklong vacation.
During our appointment, after she saw the baby (or maybe even before) the doctor discussed the optional genetic testing we could do (NT scan). She talked about mostly the pros about it, but I was well aware of the high false positives that test gives. She sent us home with pictures of our baby and tons of information.
On the elevator ride down from the third floor to the ground floor, we made the decision to not do more testing. We were on the same page right off the bat.
This is likely to be my last pregnancy and we would like it not riddled with stress, anxiety, and worry. While others chose to do it for a variety of reasons, it's not for us.
Seeing the ultrasound truly does put things into perspective of when life starts. At 9 weeks, it is clearly not a blob on a screen. It is a moving living human being. It rocked my liberal mind.
We walked out of the appointment and we both, I think shocked with the way we felt. I don't think either of us felt this amazing sense of love that we thought we would. We were focused on the health aspect and the logistics of it all. We both felt guilty not feeling more "in love" with our baby. I think it made it incredibly real. It was not just a line on a pregnancy test. We were taking in the gravity of how our life was about to change.
Clearly everyone was wanting to see the picture and hear all about the appointment. My parents were thrilled and so was his dad and stepmom. Everyone was so happy it was contagious for sure.
My evening sickies was pretty consistently happening every night around 5pm and once a week feel like crap starting at around 1pm.
Right after our appointment we headed to vacation to Nags Head. It was not the most relaxing vacation since we were with a bunch of other people, but Sterling had the week of her life. She was in heaven on the beach every day. Dan and I had a great night out and had an awesome lobster and crab dinner.
It was well needed.
On July 24th, we had our very first ultrasound and saw our little baby, so very clear. I was a nervous wreck. for some reason I was convinced that I was having twins and it was an etopic pregnancy. I had no idea why I had it in my head but I was CONVINCED. Dan met me at the building and I think we both were a little nervous. The good news is that I didn't have to get blood work that day (two weeks later though...) and the bad news is that my midwife was sick (the nerve of her! LOL). While in the waiting room we pulled up her profile online and she seemed ok.
The called us back and they did my vitals and then brought us in the doctor's office for questions. It was right then and there I noticed a huge difference in a doctor and a midwife. Let me state how much I adore my midwife. I LOVE her. On my annual checkup, she was with me for an HOUR and at the largest hospital in the city (the number 1) I was not expecting that treatment whatsoever. She is amazing and we have such similar philosophies. When she went to examine me, I was beyond relaxed and comfortable with her, it was ridiculous. She was like an old friend.
This doctor, while smart, wasn't really in sync with Dan and I and our philosophy. She also didn't pick up the fact I was a nervous wreck and this was our first child. We answered a TON of questions and then Dan and I went to yet another room for the exam. I seriously was shaking like a leaf. She does the internal and I was so tense. She then was ready for the ultrasound and I think I just shut my eyes ready to hear the bad news. I then heard her say (in a not so loving way, mind you...), "Well, there it is."
She then turned the screen to Dan and I (who had the camera phone open and was snapping away) and we saw a VERY clear picture of our baby. It took my breath away. We saw the head, body, feet, legs, arms, hands, and a very very rapid heartbeat. I kept asking if it was just one and if it was where it was supposed to be. I think I asked so much that the nurse was like, "Did you WANT twins?" Dan and I said in unison, "NO!"
She snapped some pictures while saying how her roommate in college had 8 kids and she's like, "who knows why people want that many kids...". All the while snapping picture of MY child. Thanks, doc. How about if you stick with hystorectomies. The ONE compliment she gave me was that it is very rare that she sees an ultrasound as clear as ours. She cannot remember the last time she saw one that clear. Coming from her, it was the equivilent to her saying our child is destined for greatness of some sort.
We left the room and made our follow-up appointment and when they asked with who we both said the name of our midwife. We arranged it so that we see her this Friday before she goes on a weeklong vacation.
During our appointment, after she saw the baby (or maybe even before) the doctor discussed the optional genetic testing we could do (NT scan). She talked about mostly the pros about it, but I was well aware of the high false positives that test gives. She sent us home with pictures of our baby and tons of information.
On the elevator ride down from the third floor to the ground floor, we made the decision to not do more testing. We were on the same page right off the bat.
This is likely to be my last pregnancy and we would like it not riddled with stress, anxiety, and worry. While others chose to do it for a variety of reasons, it's not for us.
Seeing the ultrasound truly does put things into perspective of when life starts. At 9 weeks, it is clearly not a blob on a screen. It is a moving living human being. It rocked my liberal mind.
We walked out of the appointment and we both, I think shocked with the way we felt. I don't think either of us felt this amazing sense of love that we thought we would. We were focused on the health aspect and the logistics of it all. We both felt guilty not feeling more "in love" with our baby. I think it made it incredibly real. It was not just a line on a pregnancy test. We were taking in the gravity of how our life was about to change.
Clearly everyone was wanting to see the picture and hear all about the appointment. My parents were thrilled and so was his dad and stepmom. Everyone was so happy it was contagious for sure.
My evening sickies was pretty consistently happening every night around 5pm and once a week feel like crap starting at around 1pm.
Right after our appointment we headed to vacation to Nags Head. It was not the most relaxing vacation since we were with a bunch of other people, but Sterling had the week of her life. She was in heaven on the beach every day. Dan and I had a great night out and had an awesome lobster and crab dinner.
It was well needed.
Monday, 1 July 2013
First Post as a Mommy
This is a crazy thing, posting on this blog. I feel that my old blog was truly about my single life and I will ALWAYS keep that blog around. This blog though is a whole other ballgame.
For those of you who have read my last blog, you are on the up and up as to what my life has been like so far.
For those of you who are new to my blog world, here are the cliff notes:
I started writing in the blogworld as a single girl in her mid-twenties, living in the city with my dog, looking for love, while enjoying being with my friends and family. I watched each of my friends find the loves of their life and start families. I sat by the sidelines and loved them and their new families and longed to join them. I was on and off with a guy who, was a wonderful man, but just not for me, no matter how much both of us tried. When I finally was comfortable in my singleness (I hate the cliche but it's true, at least for me), I found love unexpectedly.
Dan pursued me for over a year and I would blow him off time and time again. I finally gave in and gave him a chance. I never looked back.
Over the past two years, our lives have been turned upside down. We have seen each other though a lot in the couple years we have dated...his lay off, his father's wedding, all of my GI issues and ultimately my diagnosis, moving, family members dying, and all of the growing pains that are involved in both of us, being single for so long, coming together as a couple.
The biggest and best journey is coming right down the pike.
We are going to be parents this March.
I can't believe I even wrote that.
We found out we were expecting on June 17, 2013. As of today, I am 5 weeks and 2 days (in my 6th week). We have our first doctors appointment on July 24th. We are not telling the world as of yet, besides our family and my close friends.
It's funny, you dream in your mind of how you find out you are pregnant and we romanticize how things are going to go. Sterling, every Monday, started shredding things when I left to get my morning coffee. I finally called the vet and she asked me if something was happening at home with hormones or anything. It made me think, but truly didn't think ANYTHING would come of it. Well, when you least expect it. I called the girls and took Dan out to dinner. It took a few days for it to really set in. One of the best parts is that our friends and family are so excited. We are, though, taking it slow, since we have not seen the heartbeat yet and it's still very early. I am indeed having some symptoms, such as mild cramping, sore chest, and had the worst heartburn yesterday. It is so hard to "slow it down and wait for the appointment to confirm that everything is "a ok".
For now, each day I try to enjoy it and not "worry" so much. We can only pray for the best and the rest is in God's hands.
I will share though, the day after we found out we were going to be a family of four (Sterling, our Bernese Mountain Dog is going to be a big sister), I was driving to a meeting in the morning and heard this song on my drive.
I now play it every single day for the baby. I don't know why this song now has a deeper meaning to me, but blame it on the old hormones!
For those of you who have read my last blog, you are on the up and up as to what my life has been like so far.
For those of you who are new to my blog world, here are the cliff notes:
I started writing in the blogworld as a single girl in her mid-twenties, living in the city with my dog, looking for love, while enjoying being with my friends and family. I watched each of my friends find the loves of their life and start families. I sat by the sidelines and loved them and their new families and longed to join them. I was on and off with a guy who, was a wonderful man, but just not for me, no matter how much both of us tried. When I finally was comfortable in my singleness (I hate the cliche but it's true, at least for me), I found love unexpectedly.
Dan pursued me for over a year and I would blow him off time and time again. I finally gave in and gave him a chance. I never looked back.
Over the past two years, our lives have been turned upside down. We have seen each other though a lot in the couple years we have dated...his lay off, his father's wedding, all of my GI issues and ultimately my diagnosis, moving, family members dying, and all of the growing pains that are involved in both of us, being single for so long, coming together as a couple.
The biggest and best journey is coming right down the pike.
We are going to be parents this March.
I can't believe I even wrote that.
We found out we were expecting on June 17, 2013. As of today, I am 5 weeks and 2 days (in my 6th week). We have our first doctors appointment on July 24th. We are not telling the world as of yet, besides our family and my close friends.
It's funny, you dream in your mind of how you find out you are pregnant and we romanticize how things are going to go. Sterling, every Monday, started shredding things when I left to get my morning coffee. I finally called the vet and she asked me if something was happening at home with hormones or anything. It made me think, but truly didn't think ANYTHING would come of it. Well, when you least expect it. I called the girls and took Dan out to dinner. It took a few days for it to really set in. One of the best parts is that our friends and family are so excited. We are, though, taking it slow, since we have not seen the heartbeat yet and it's still very early. I am indeed having some symptoms, such as mild cramping, sore chest, and had the worst heartburn yesterday. It is so hard to "slow it down and wait for the appointment to confirm that everything is "a ok".
For now, each day I try to enjoy it and not "worry" so much. We can only pray for the best and the rest is in God's hands.
I will share though, the day after we found out we were going to be a family of four (Sterling, our Bernese Mountain Dog is going to be a big sister), I was driving to a meeting in the morning and heard this song on my drive.
I now play it every single day for the baby. I don't know why this song now has a deeper meaning to me, but blame it on the old hormones!
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