Putting the Phone Down

I've been waiting to get up to speed with blogging since pretty much daily things pop in my mind to blog about. 
A big thing to blog about is about putting down the phone.
Before Elizabeth, I used to see mothers constantly on their phone when I would pass them on a playground or zoo or children's museum.  I never understood it.

Arguably, I still don't, but part of me does.

When Elizabeth was born, like all mothers these days, you snap 100 pictures a day with your smartphone...because there is such ease to pick it up and within a second have captured a funny/sweet/crazy moment.  The selfies we have from the hospital are hilarious and during my pregnancy, it was a quick way to snap myself in a mirror to send to my friends and family who I don't see often.  Two of my best friends do not live in the same state as I do and sadly the one in Virginia I don't see NEARLY enough but thanks to this technology we iChat and Skype so she got to see the nursery and got to chat face to face. 

Well, once we came home, again, I took a ton of pictures a day and sent them on Instagram and Facebook for the world to see (well, my "friends" on those sites).  I was proud of my baby and of course didn't want to leave Sterling out of the picture either.  I am glad that I have those pictures of the two of them.

I embarked also on the crazy world of nursing (that's an entirely different post that I will address...a very real look into it) and like most new mothers know, there is this lovely thing called cluster feeding where your child nurses for hours on end.  I would be propped up with pillows in bed with the remote, water bottle, and my phone.  While she nursed I played games, texted with my girlfriends, checked Facebook, you name it. 

I remember one day, I think she was about 3 months old on her play mat and I was on my phone and it hit me. 
I needed to put the phone down.

I realized I was missing life.  I was too busy looking at what others were doing rather than focusing on my own life.

I picked her up, put her in her rock n play and put it on the front porch.  I got Sterling and helped her to the front porch as well.  We sat with the summer breeze hitting us.  I was rocking the baby with my foot and Sterling was enjoying the breeze with Van Morrison playing.  I took, ironically, a picture to remember it. Haha. 

Since then, there have been many moments that have been "missed"/"not captured".
That's ok.

I've been to many music classes/play groups where there is book reading and singing going on and I look around seeing so many moms on their phone.  Not taking pictures but checking email and Facebook.  I look at their children trying to get their parent's attention and it falls on deaf ears.

It's VERY hard to do as I truly think we have become addicted to our phone and the convenience of it all.  We can pull up a recipe in seconds; contact a relative or friend across the country via text within a half a second. 

 Since that moment 6 months ago, I need to be conscious about it because I do fall in the trap and find myself checking my phone more than I would like.

Dan and I have some unspoken rules which I love.

The phone never comes to the dinner table.  Ever.  The three of us sit for about 45 minutes every night at the dining room table.  Elizabeth recognizes if one of us is not at the table and looks all over.

Every day, the three of us go on the floor and play as a family.  Our phones are no where to be found.  Honestly, that is my favorite part of the day.  Sometimes, we are not engaging her.  She is exploring on her own and I LOVE watching her play and discover on her own.  I absolutely love it.  I watch her expressions and how she is learning how to control her body with standing, sitting, squatting, and learning.  I truly feel that learning to play alone is something that is a lost skill.  As a great friend of mine, Mike says, is that great ideas and creativity come out of boredom. 

Motherhood has taught me and continues to teach me something each and every day.  Not only about the world around me, but about myself. 

Catching up for the new year

So this year has been a series of highest of highs and lowest of lows.  With as much excitement we had bringing Elizabeth home, we suffered extreme sadness in September, specifically, September 11th, with the passing of Sterling. 
Those of you who followed me on my last blog know that Sterling was my world.  It was me and Sterling for many many years, alone in the city.  She was the first love of my life. 
Last summer we noticed she was dragging her toe of her left foot.  It really didn't slow her down, we just noticed it.  Gradually she started falling and walking with an odd gait.  As it turns out, she had a torn meniscus.  She had surgery last November.  I was on the fence about operating on a 9 year old Berner.  But she was in pain from it and I had to do something.  I prayed about it and made the best decision at the time.  She did NOT bounce back after it, in fact, it was AWFUL.  The pain medication seriously was terrible and she couldn't handle it.  Once we took her pain patch off, things started to improve.  She walked a bit after the surgery.  We did rehab-acupuncture, water therapy, massage, you name it...if it existed, we did it. 
She had good days and bad days.  We had an AWFUL winter...back to back ice and snow storms.  Getting her out and about was impossible also I was several months pregnant.  We did the best we could, that is for sure.
When I gave birth and was away for a week, she learned how to move around on her own by dragging herself, which was bittersweet...almost like she gave up on walking, it was too hard on her.
We got a Help Em Up harness and did water therapy.  Again, good days and bad days.
We had the entire summer together and I was home the entire time.
During my pregnancy I was ordered out of work in November so Sterling had a lot of one on one attention together during her last year.
After a few weeks after the baby was born, she came around to being a big sister and it was nice to see. 
When motherhood took a toll on me in the early months, I would have her to take on a walk (in her Eddies Wheels wheelchair).
In August, she started pooping in the house...without realizing it.

She was suffering from DM which is degenerative mylopothy, of which there is no cure.
No proven treatment.
No cure.

Her body started shutting down slowly.  She was developing anxiety when I would leave.  She was becoming less and less of a dog.

As I saw her body shut down, I sat on the morning of September 11th, looking at her in a diaper under the table with her bowls of food and water just laying there...tired.  I thought, what am I doing?

After reading how this disease works, I knew I couldn't allow it to creep up to the point where she no longer could breathe.

I helped her over the Rainbow Bridge that evening.  By far, the hardest thing I have ever done.  Seemingly impossible.  A part of me is now in heaven with her. 

This Christmas was tough...very tough.  I have to say though, my mom brought Sterling "home" as they had her at their house...I wasn't ready, on Christmas eve.  Since then, I have a sense of peace and have not cried. 

I just wanted to share about Sterling before I really got back to blogging since there is a big hole in our family now.

It gets better each day.  I feel that I did the right thing at the right time, but still doesn't negate that I miss her so much.

Rethinking Blogging

I have not published a blog post in ages.  Back when I was single living with Sterling, I really loved blogging.  Now that I am in a totally new phase of life, I am thinking of perhaps starting up again.  While I dance on the fine line between protecting my daughter's privacy and also posting my thoughts and life with having a documentation of this season.
I often think how there is a lack of "real" blogs out there.
Now, more so than ever I have noticed perfect Facebook walls, perfect blogs, and perfect instagrams.  I find that there needs to be some authenticity out there.  It sets up the rest of us to fail or feel that we are "less than". 
Studies show that the more people put it out there how much they love their spouse, life, etc...they crave affirmation.
Since having Elizabeth, I have noticed now more than ever the need and desire for authenticity.
Because, to be frank, nothing is more "real" than motherhood.
So I think I will start up again...not to gain readership or paint some false picture of life, but an authentic place where my daughter can read one day and get a clear picture of what life was like when she was a baby.
:)